Thursday, July 31, 2008

All the way my Saviour leads me

Had a very edgy day and was feeling out of sorts the entire day as I knew I was in for some serious conversation with the VP today and was psyching myself up in preparation for our meeting. Half the time I was envisioning our mental sparring and trying to conjour out arguments to deflect his viewpoints. Finally, the time came and I think in the midst of our conversation I crumbled a little and tears welled up in my eyes ( I don't normally do this!) but I guess lately I have been very vulnerable and the stress is really getting to me. It threatens to eat me up alive and to rob me of my sanity.

But, I digress - back to the conversation with VP where he finally caved in but not without going down for a fight and I was forced to accept a nasty condition he laid down (that guy sure is a tough cookie) before we came to terms. Sigh. but I'm glad it's over because I've not felt my body feel so weak (must be the lack of food for the whole day!) and listless for a very long time. No hunger pangs, no emptiness in my stomach, no desire for any food (that's why i didn't eat!) but only a lathergy and severe lack of energy. It was not till 5 ish that I ate and felt a lot better. Food really is good for the soul.

And so here I am at cross roads in my life - not sure if the decision I've made is correct but I stand by one saying 'The will of God will not lead you to where the grace of God cannot keep you'. I trust that the spirit has led me to the right path God has in mind for me and I hold to with the promise that he's always with me.

I thank God for everything, good and bad alike, in my life for I know whatever befall me, Jesus doeth all things well.

And this my song through endless ages-Jesus doeth all things well.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Fat Arrow

What started out as a seemingly alright day turned to dark skies at 1045am today when I got a major arrow from the office clerk. It's not her fault - she was merely relaying a message to me from the higher ups. So apparently someone in the Ivory Towers in HQ forgot to inform me about something major and now, out of desperation calls my VP and HOD to 'pressure' me to acceed to her request. And when you're being cornered like that, do you have any choice?

I'm getting more and more drained each day and arrows like this are not appreciated as I'm really up to my neck with work and still have to worry about another major event 2 days away. i am really pissed. Pissed beyong words can describe because once again, I am trapped and being coerced to agree to something that I don't want to do.

Shed a few tears just now after dinner while I was mulling over the day's events in the solitude of my room. The last time I cried like this and felt so ensnared was during my Uni days. And it's a terrible feeling. I really hate it. Really really do. And see..the tears are flowing again because I feel I've reached my threshold and can't go on further....

Monday, July 28, 2008

Monday Blues

Had a pretty good weekend and somehow as I look back now, I'm starting to think that it was TOO good and maybe I should have done a bit more work on Saturday so that today won't have been such a mad rush. Was busy settling stuff here and there and sometimes I wonder why there are always so many things to do and endless stuff for CCA. Does it ever seem to end?

Helping out my SH to vet papers as well as to do answers for the next class test which will occupy the rest of my night. I wonder what else is in store for me for the rest of the week. But I'm still glad that I've clear many duties for the year and that is really a load off my mind. Now I just need to get through the daily grind and the never ending CCA stuff. argh...when will I be able to escape this?

Have remedial class tomorrow then got to stay back to mark some books..I hope to get off by 5pm latest..I need some rest!

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Hiatus

Apologise for the hiatus lately as I was busy (what else is new right?) and somehow blogging is the least of my priorities when even getting enough rest is impossible. Been tied up with CCA matters, lots of admin work to settle and sort now that my colleague is on MC but thank God she's still contactable via sms and able to help us through some matters. Still very grateful for her methodical and organized work which is always near perfect and I have never once spotted any error in her work. WOAH!

The mad rush for the year is almost over and I'm really happy to have knocked off 2 things from my crazy July schedule as of yesterday and am very happily enjoying some much needed break and rest. Managed to get home by 4pm for the past 2 days despite having some stuff to do and I'm still glad the major events for this year are over (at least I hope nothing else comes up!)

Am now going to focus on tying up the loose ends in my CCA as I've realised there are many loopholes that must be addressed and the screws tightened so we can function better. While I've always ranted about the crazy load this CCA gives me, I still must say at the end of the day I have a soft spot for them and I'd do my best to help improve things related to their welfare and the good for the CCA. They are my pride and joy even though I know sometimes their silly antics stress me up terribly. Thank God for J and N who step up to disciple everyone and attempt to relieve the burden off me when my blood pressure starts to shoot up because people do stupid things. I must give both of them much credit for holding the fort and supportive of what we do for them. Thanks guys!

Another area I'm going to work on is my spritual life..been very busy doing work stuff that I think I've neglected spending time with God..He gets relegated to being my buddy on the walk to the bus interchange each morning and as I trek up the slope to work. Sigh..I will make greater effort to give Him my best time each day and not my 'spare' time. Dear Lord, help me ok?

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Oh, what a week!

Been a crazy week (again!) with trying to settle so many stuff that sometimes I think my brain goes into spasm and shuts down on me, accounting for the numerous blunders I've made this week at work.

Fortunately the bosses have been very understanding and forgiving for my misgivings and have not held them against me but I do feel bad about it. At many a times, I feel that my brain does not concentrate on the work at hand but is busy thinking about future matters and thus fails me when I need it most to function. Take yesterday for example, I parked the car and proceeded to tear my parking coupon and tried to search for the date on my handphone. My brain picked up on the first indicator it saw and I went on to tear the number '15' on the coupon. It was only an hour later that I realised that it was the 11th of July and not the 15th. Nice.

Was praying hard that I would not get a fine (which I didn't!) as it would mean more hassle having to write to URA to wave it or risk losing $30 to the government. Thank God that towards the end of the day I didn't make any further mistakes and could at least have a nice dinner on a Friday night.

So here I am on a saturday back at the office trying to clear work. Sometimes i wonder how much longer I can really last..

Sunday, July 6, 2008

Taking it slow

Had a busy week these past few days and work is really up to my neck. Trying my best to clear as much as it can so that I can try to enjoy a little of this long weekend.

I have no idea how to begin describing my daily routine, the thankless work I do and endless scripts to mark. Why are there just so many things to do?

HELP!

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Another busy day....

School today was another crazy buzz that started around 8ish and the strangest part was that I only have 4 lesson slots today (which isn't a lot) but I ended up doing so many things that are once again not related to teaching. Sigh. More sighs. A 4 period day is usually considered pretty lax and I'd thought I'd time to chill, settle work for next week but as usual I end up running around like a headless chicken trying to settle the new t shirts for the kids as well as running my CCA. It's totally mad.

And I still have 5 stacks of test papers sitting on my table.

Still trying to get into the swing of things now that term has started again and it's been a tough ride honestly with so many things to do. And the worse is yet to come as I'm involved in a project where my head has yet to delegate any work to me. It scares me honestly as I don't know what's instore there but I'll try to clear up as much as I can on my side before that shit falls on me.

And MOE still wonders why so many of us teachers end up quitting. They should really try teaching again in a school.

And i still have 5 stacks of test papers sitting on my table.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

It's only Tuesday

Got off to a pretty rough start this week when I got a little upset with my boss over some work matters. It didn't help that it was Monday (yes, that's a very common excuse I know but it's true!) and I was feeling very overwhelmed with many tons of bricks falling on me. Got a file on my table after I came back from class to find that the boss had allocated me an extra class of remedial when I thought we had an understanding that she was only going to give me 2 class and at point blank I said to her 'I think this is too heavy for me'. Opps. As soon as the words came out, I kind of regretted it as I feel it didn't make a difference whether I voiced out my opinion about my load as I'll still have to take the class anyway (don't think she's ever going to take the load off me)so I might as well have not said anything and just do the extra class. Damn.

No point regretting now, can only say I'll just have to hang on. Sometimes I wonder just how long I can continue at this crazy pace and there are times when I want to throw in the towel but there are other moments when I just want to hang on to see what my threshold is (ya, sounds silly I know).

Truth really is that the only thing that sees me through each day is the strength that God gives and one thing I've learnt is to pray every morning before I get to work..and that prayer ALWAYS works because somehow the day always seems slightly better (now you'd know I forgot to pray yesterday morning).

It's already mid-week tomorrow and I know there's still a lot to clear..2 set of test papers sitting on my table and by the end of the week it'll be 6 more stacks. But I've already figured how to get through it..because there's something that always works..